I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
