Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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