I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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