census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
