Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
