once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
