i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
