uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
