There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
God, I missed his penis.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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