I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
