I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
