Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
