He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Randomize
