I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
