if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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