I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
