If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
