Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
