Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
