My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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