it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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