apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
