in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
