It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
