okay pat passed out under dana's car
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize