But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
