I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
