Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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