First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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