How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
