Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
