i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
NoShamevember. You game?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize