hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
