I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
