he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
