That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
