I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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