I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
