her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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