I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
