The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I didn't shave. On purpose
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
