i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
