He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
