I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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