he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize