I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
