while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
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