I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I have surprise drugs for everyone
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
