I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
