and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
