Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
