i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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