guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
