Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
