I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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