yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
