She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
