i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
