Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
