You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
